Losing Weight Sucks… I Am Worth It!
This is an entry from the non-judgemental Facebook Group I started for the current Work in Progress. If you would like to join the group click this link.
Week 12:
Last week was one of the most stressful weeks of my life. This new mindset made it much easier to cope with the craziness.
Instead of shovelling food into my mouth to numb my emotions, I ate mindfully, stopping when I was full. Eating minimal chips and choosing milk or iced tea instead of pop. I walked close to five thousand steps every day on purpose not out of necessity.
What I wasn’t prepared for was what would happen when the stress was eased. When those moments of rushing from driving my friend to her appointments, then to the hospital to see grandma. Sometimes only home to sleep.
When granny was told she could go home in a couple of days and my friend gathered her courage to get back behind the wheel, when my cousin who said I was dead to her didn’t bother me anymore and when a dear friend’s trouble with the law was finally free without any fines or jail time, I could breathe again.
Even though in the middle of the week I was a zombie, I still wanted to feel every emotion. I chose to go for walks to clear my mind and get some happy endorphins coursing through my veins.
It’s the weekend where things went downhill. I was completely exhausted and was so happy I had worked through those moments of anxiety without reverting back to old habits. Until that one moment of rest and recovery turned into three days of unconscious eating.
I lost focus because the worst was over. I let my guard down and slept for those three days. In those three days I binged on chips and pop. I said to myself on that first day ”it’s okay. You did so well this week, and it’s one day. Don’t feel guilty about it. I will be good tomorrow.”
The problem is once the screws loosened all the old habits came popping out of the woodwork and my pants started to tighten. I stopped any form of exercise.
I made a vow to myself yesterday evening after feeling so bloated and ashamed that “it will be okay. Starting right now I will go back to those amazing habits I created and let go of the guilt.”
I don’t like feeling so full it’s hard to breathe. I don’t like my upper tummy being so fat that my arms touch it when I sit down. I don’t like losing control.
I felt so free last week and that emotion is in my rear view mirror. Now is the time to see the lesson. I wasn’t prepared and those habits got the better of me.
Next time I will be ready. Next time I won’t listen to the voice that says just this one day.
In a way, I am glad it happened. Until I see why and when I break from healthy eating, I cannot change.
What really occurred was I was temporarily suppressing many emotions. Put them off until there was more time. I thought I was dealing with them beautifully. They all came at once and overwhelmed me.
Next time before I allow myself to break the rules so to speak, I will have more conversations with myself. Am I rewarding myself? Am I suppressing something I don’t want to deal with? Am I being lazy? Am I giving up or in?
Until I fully answer those questions I cannot put chips into the body because for me chips are the river that is strong enough to burst the dam.
I get that now. I am happy that today I am no longer unconsciously eating. Today I will exercise.
I am worth it!